October 2010.
The sun shone weakly through the gray clouds when I left class, wandering towards the middle of BYU's campus looking for a spot to sit down and eat lunch. "Somewhere that I can be alone but still be around people", I thought to myself, "Close enough to the crowd it looks like I'm not a loner but far enough away that I actually can be." I choose a spot outside the busy library on a granite wall where I can watch people pass by for classes. A few other students share this granite ledge, eating lunch as well or using their laptops. But no one close enough to mumble a "Hello" or "How ya doing?" I sit down and pull off my heavy backpack and start fishing around for my hasty homemade sandwich.
At this point I feel the chilly breeze pass through my hoodie and I can feel the cold gray rock start quickly leeching heat from my legs. People watching is fun when you're with people, but when you're not it only make you feel more alone I realize. The sky is almost as sunless as I feel friendless here. I moved out of state for college and I'm beginning to feel homesick. I miss the warmth of Arizona's hot and bright sun. I miss my family and friends. My daily routine. My first time away from home and these feelings of loneliness and depression are beginning to encircle me. I'm sure everybody else feels this way sometimes? Maybe. I munch on my sandwich and try to focus on my ratio of mustard to mayonnaise and not to let my feelings get the best of me. Just not in public I tell myself. Why do I feel so alone in the middle of so many people? Why don't I have someone to eat lunch with?
Startled from my thoughts there is someone is talking to me! A cute girl with light brown hair walked across the grass and was setting her backpack down next to mine. Uncomfortably close. I try to understand what she could possibly be doing and to pull myself out of my dismal thoughts. "Hi, how ya doing?" I reply, feigning enthusiasm. A fitting response no matter what’s happening I hope. I focus all available brain power now as I realize I have never met this girl before and I don't think she knows me either. "I'm gonna change things up a bit and talk to people", she says, "I'm trying to break up my habit of not talking to people around me." I'm in disbelief. I raise my eyebrow and squint an eye. She seems normal though... Weird. She asks me my name and where I'm from, what classes I'm taking and what my major is. I ask her the usual questions too. But then the chit chat passes out of small talk zone and I find myself in a good, real conversation. And although I'm too embarrassed to express my loneliness clearly in words I feel enough of the same emotions in her attitude to make me feel like I'm not alone. I enjoy the sudden companionship and it buoys me out of my temporary depression. After a while she packs up her stuff and says goodbye. As she walks away I wonder if the pause before she left was an invitation to get her phone number. Stay in contact? Maybe? I thought. She is a few years older than me though... I bury my desire to keep a new friend along with my fear of rejection and take a deep breath and look around. Campus seems a little clearer and happier. Another deep breath and I look back up at the sky. I don't have the courage to follow her or maybe the brains to understand what's going on, but the day seems a lot brighter and not because of the sun. It feels good to be alive, there are challenges to be braved and experiences to savor!
Although I regret not keeping in touch and I always keep my eye out I've never passed by that light brown haired girl again. I am sure she doesn't know how good she made me feel that day to have a friend. Even now, almost 4 years later I remember the kindness of her deed. I don't think she realized I could have been on the verge of tears or needed a friend. I don't think she'll ever know the impact her 20 minutes of conversation had on me. It was because of that 20 minutes I knew I wasn't alone that morning. It was through her that I felt God's love for me. I don't think she knows that she was an angel that morning, sent by her Heavenly Father to buoy me up. But I know that she was. I don't know everything, but I do know that when we live our lives in a way that allows God to comfort others through us then we are doing something that is lasting and worthwhile. It doesn't matter if it's cold and cloudy, or if you're a fallible human being like the rest of us, you could mean the world to somebody else for and never even know it.
At this point I feel the chilly breeze pass through my hoodie and I can feel the cold gray rock start quickly leeching heat from my legs. People watching is fun when you're with people, but when you're not it only make you feel more alone I realize. The sky is almost as sunless as I feel friendless here. I moved out of state for college and I'm beginning to feel homesick. I miss the warmth of Arizona's hot and bright sun. I miss my family and friends. My daily routine. My first time away from home and these feelings of loneliness and depression are beginning to encircle me. I'm sure everybody else feels this way sometimes? Maybe. I munch on my sandwich and try to focus on my ratio of mustard to mayonnaise and not to let my feelings get the best of me. Just not in public I tell myself. Why do I feel so alone in the middle of so many people? Why don't I have someone to eat lunch with?
Startled from my thoughts there is someone is talking to me! A cute girl with light brown hair walked across the grass and was setting her backpack down next to mine. Uncomfortably close. I try to understand what she could possibly be doing and to pull myself out of my dismal thoughts. "Hi, how ya doing?" I reply, feigning enthusiasm. A fitting response no matter what’s happening I hope. I focus all available brain power now as I realize I have never met this girl before and I don't think she knows me either. "I'm gonna change things up a bit and talk to people", she says, "I'm trying to break up my habit of not talking to people around me." I'm in disbelief. I raise my eyebrow and squint an eye. She seems normal though... Weird. She asks me my name and where I'm from, what classes I'm taking and what my major is. I ask her the usual questions too. But then the chit chat passes out of small talk zone and I find myself in a good, real conversation. And although I'm too embarrassed to express my loneliness clearly in words I feel enough of the same emotions in her attitude to make me feel like I'm not alone. I enjoy the sudden companionship and it buoys me out of my temporary depression. After a while she packs up her stuff and says goodbye. As she walks away I wonder if the pause before she left was an invitation to get her phone number. Stay in contact? Maybe? I thought. She is a few years older than me though... I bury my desire to keep a new friend along with my fear of rejection and take a deep breath and look around. Campus seems a little clearer and happier. Another deep breath and I look back up at the sky. I don't have the courage to follow her or maybe the brains to understand what's going on, but the day seems a lot brighter and not because of the sun. It feels good to be alive, there are challenges to be braved and experiences to savor!
Although I regret not keeping in touch and I always keep my eye out I've never passed by that light brown haired girl again. I am sure she doesn't know how good she made me feel that day to have a friend. Even now, almost 4 years later I remember the kindness of her deed. I don't think she realized I could have been on the verge of tears or needed a friend. I don't think she'll ever know the impact her 20 minutes of conversation had on me. It was because of that 20 minutes I knew I wasn't alone that morning. It was through her that I felt God's love for me. I don't think she knows that she was an angel that morning, sent by her Heavenly Father to buoy me up. But I know that she was. I don't know everything, but I do know that when we live our lives in a way that allows God to comfort others through us then we are doing something that is lasting and worthwhile. It doesn't matter if it's cold and cloudy, or if you're a fallible human being like the rest of us, you could mean the world to somebody else for and never even know it.
